ELEMENTS OF A GREAT MENTORING CONVERSATION
Read time: 8 mins / Author: Paul Records
If you are involved in men’s ministry, then you likely spend time in mentoring conversations with men throughout a given week or month. A while back, I stopped and asked myself, “Am I doing any good in these conversations?” Because I spent a lot of time in one-on-ones each week, I wanted to know if I was being truly effective with my time. This prompted a journey into what I came to call strategic mentoring. Or, mentoring based on effective strategies. This journey led me to read some great books and in time, I developed my own mentoring conversation model.
Now, I know that for us to be effective in mentoring, we must identify relevant benchmarks that qualify an effective and fruitful mentoring conversation. What elements must be present in a one-on-one meeting to cultivate a meaningful and impactful experience? What is the mentor's goal? What should be his focus? With these questions in mind, the following model was developed.
SPIRITUAL ALIGNMENT
As we analyze this model, let's start in the middle. At the center of the model are the words spiritual alignment. This represents the essence of each mentoring conversation. The goal of mentors is to help men align with God's will and vision for their lives. This means that the Spirit and presence of God should permeate the mentoring relationship.
It is futile to begin a mentoring conversation if the mentor has not prayed specifically for divine guidance.
The mentor should take time at the outset of each conversation to pray and invite God into the moment. If the mentor meets physically with a man and they sit across the table from one another, they should have the mindset that God is at the table with them.
There is little potential for spiritual growth if God is excluded from the conversation.
If the conversation occurs on a video or phone call, the mentor and mentee should begin by asking God to help them to align with His will in the call. The mentor does not serve as the ultimate source of wisdom in personal growth or leadership. Rather, his role is to partner with the Spirit for the sake of the man he is mentoring. By pausing and praying at the start and the end of mentoring conversations, the mentor will create a space for the Spirit to speak. This will also produce a greater awareness of and sensitivity to what exactly God may be saying.
An alternative to gaining spiritual alignment is rushing into a conversation with advice or a list of shoulds and oughts. This is what many perceive mentoring to be. Rather than putting God's eternal will at the center of the conversation, the mentor places himself and his will at the center of the conversation. Not only does this create a one-sided relational dynamic that ignores the needs of the mentoree but it leaves little room for the leading or direction of the Spirit.
DEFINE THE NEED
As mentors, our objective is to enable men to solve their own problems and take ownership of their spiritual growth. Our objective is not to highjack the learning experience or to identify what success is for each man we mentor. Ultimately, we are not responsible for their personal progress. This is why it is important to define the need at the start of each mentoring conversation. Mentors should ask the man what he hopes to learn, overcome, or accomplish. In the conversation itself, what does the man need or want? This will give you a target to aim for in the conversation. This also forces the man to clarify what is most important to him at the moment. A coach can define the need by asking questions such as:
How can I best serve or support you in this conversation?
What do you need from me?
Is there anything specific you would like to talk about?
What are you most hoping to receive in this conversation?
The alternative to defining the need is to begin a conversation without a clear or measurable aim and thus drift to several low-level topics that fail to address what is most important. As Paul Stanley and J. Robert Clinton write,
Don't predetermine solutions. Frequently, mentors have a "pet solution" that they attempt to use like a computer program. Listen to the mentoree to understand, and listen to God in terms of the individual's situation. Be prepared for God to break through with new ideas that you have not seen in the past. (1)
ASK CRITICAL QUESTIONS
In a conversation, after you have defined the need, you will need to ask questions to prompt critical thinking in the mentoree. In the book of Genesis, after Adam and Eve sinned they covered themselves. After this occurred, God came to Adam and asked this question, "Where are you?" (Genesis 3:9). In this moment, did God not know where Adam was? Or, was God forcing Adam to consider where exactly his disobedience had brought him? Though God already had the answer, He wanted Adam to reflect on the question and consider the result of his actions.
In Matthew 16:13, Jesus came to the disciples and asked the question, "Who do men say that I am?" The disciples replied, and then Jesus followed up with another question. He got personal with the disciples and asked, "Who do you say that I am?" In this way, Jesus was prompting reflection and critical thought in the hearts and minds of the disciples. He forced his followers to wrestle with their understanding of His identity in these moments. He also brought them to a point where they could articulate that understanding. Throughout the conversation, Jesus led the disciples on a path of self-discovery.
In the same way, we should force the men we mentor to think critically about where they are and where they hope to go in life and leadership.
As you reflect on past experiences, consider whether you spend more time telling men what to do (giving a list of shoulds and oughts) or asking questions and facilitating self-discovery. The next time you have a mentoring conversation, count the number of questions you ask and consider how you can improve the quality of those questions.
AFFIRM AND ENCOURAGE
Paul Stanley and J. Robert Morgan conclude that "mentoring is more than the sharing or receiving of knowledge. It facilitates holistic development and transformational change. At the heart of mentoring is the work of empowerment." (2) In each conversation, we must find creative ways to empower men as Jesus empowered the disciples (Matthew 10:1).
It is futile to call men to change or improve if they don't feel empowered and able to do so.
Though we may have the opportunity to pinpoint red flags and identify areas of needed improvement, the more important objective is to affirm growth and encourage the strengths of each man we mentor. If the mentoring conversation is problem-centered rather than growth-centered, it will likely put the man in a defensive posture. In a defensive posture, what he receives from you will be limited. By providing affirmation and encouragement, we call men out of their defensive postures and put them in an open stance.
Before we can properly confront or call men to action, we must first attune to their exact needs and make positive investments through encouraging words and affirmations.
Talik was a high-level manager in a large nonprofit organization. He oversaw an extensive budget, a national conference, and a dynamic staff of regional directors. We had met at a past training seminar and realized we had several mutual interests. So, we met at a coffee shop midway between our cities to talk about our various projects and share support and feedback. Our relationship was largely defined as peer-mentoring.
Throughout our conversation that day, I worked hard to listen and ask thoughtful questions to show Talik I was interested in learning about what was important to him. Our meeting lasted roughly an hour. As we walked out of the coffee shop to the parking lot, I asked Talik what he most needed from me at the moment. Talik turned his head to the side, thought deeply, and then looked back at me. "I appreciate your interest in my endeavors and projects, but in this conversation what I needed most was affirmation. I have been under a lot of pressure at work and it feels like everyone expects so much from me. As a friend, what I need from you is to simply know that I'm doing a good job. I felt like I was vulnerable in our conversation today and I was hoping you would view that as an opportunity to encourage me."
On the way home, I drove and contemplated Talik's words. As a friend and peer mentor, he appreciated my interest in his interests but he desired affirmation and encouragement most of all.
In Proverbs 25:11, Solomon wrote, "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver." This reveals that the right words at the right time can make all the difference in the world. Sometimes, that difference is made in words that encourage the heart of a man to stay in the fight and to persevere through hardship. Through various forms of affirmation, we empower men to fulfill their callings and to live up to their spiritual, relational, and vocational goals.
HOLD ACCOUNTABLE
Growth or development in any capacity takes personal discipline. Throughout life, our personal discipline ebbs and flows and therefore, we need friends and mentors to hold us accountable. All men eventually reach the peak of their personal discipline. Even the most driven and ambitious men fall short of their goals. Often, what propels men above their limitations is relational accountability.
In Hebrews 10:24, Paul admonishes us to "consider one another in order to stir up love and good works." In this context, the words stir up indicate the practice of inciting or provoking a person. In many cases, terms such as "incite" or "provoke" bring negative images to mind. But in the case of Hebrews 10:24, Paul illustrates the purpose of accountability. In a mentoring conversation, we can provoke men to good works by questions or statements such as:
Let's review the action steps we discussed in our previous conversation.
What do you feel is preventing you from getting over this obstacle?
How do you think you could have responded differently in this situation?
When you complete this task or action step, send me a text or an email and let me know.
In a mentoring relationship, if all we provide is encouragement and do not define reality or call men to action, our impact will be short-lived.
How receptive a man is to being held accountable is often the acid test in a mentoring relationship.
If he is receptive to accountability and responsive when you call him to action, it shows that he genuinely desires to change and grow.
If a man serves in an executive or senior leadership role, it often is easy for him to hold others accountable but difficult to receive accountability. The nature of his role is one of authority, and it takes intentional effort to cultivate relationships that call him to action. As Paul D. Stanley and J. Robert Clinton write,
The higher a leader rises, often the harder it is to find quality mentoring relationships. Yet the higher a leader rises, the greater the pitfalls and the more important it becomes to develop accountable relationships with peers. (3)
In high-level positions, it is up to the leader to seek out mentoring relationships that provide this missing link. Strategic mentoring provides men with the strength needed to sustain personal and spiritual disciplines throughout all seasons of life.
IDENTIFY ACTION STEPS
As a mentoring conversation ends, consider how you can identify a series of actionable and relevant tasks the mentoree can practically work on between meetings. These tasks should not be so complex that they become overwhelming or impossible to complete. They are designed to push the mentoree to apply and implement what may have been discussed in their conversation with you. These action steps should have a mutual agreement. Furthermore, it is best if the mentoree chooses these steps himself.
A mentor can facilitate this process by asking questions such as:
As we wrap up our conversation today, what practical action steps would you like to work on before our next meeting?
What steps do you need to take to accomplish this goal?
What do you hope to complete before our next call?
In the past, I have assigned homework at the conclusion of a mentoring conversation to determine how serious a man is about his personal or spiritual growth. As the book of James admonishes,
But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does. James 1:22-25.
FROM BEGINNING TO END
Though mentoring conversations do not follow a linear process, we can view these various elements as occurring throughout a conversation from beginning to end. One of the first things a mentor should do at the beginning of a conversation, after praying, is to identify the objective of the conversation. This gives you a target to aim for.
Then, throughout the body of the mentoring conversation, your goal is to ask critical questions, affirm and encourage, and hold the man accountable.
As the conversation ends, the goal is to identify action steps and emphasize real-time application and experiential learning. These action steps may also serve as a conversation starter the next time you and the mentoree meet.
As the mentor, you should follow-up on the progress of these action steps and determine if there is anything you can do to support his growth.
From the beginning to the end of a conversation, this process is designed to help each man align with God's purpose for his life.
Each point in the conversation helps the man to clarify his targets and develop a practical plan to reach them.
Mentoring also provides the emotional support needed to push through resistance - whether it be internal or external in nature.
Recommended books on mentoring
Sources
(1) Paul Stanley and J. Robert Morgan, Connecting: The mentoring relationships you need to succeed in life (Nav Press: Carol Stream, IL, 1992), 32.
(2) Stanley and Morgan, Connecting, 98-99.
(3) Stanley and Morgan, Connecting, 195.
